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G.I. Joe – Rating: B-

Submitted by on August 19, 2009 – 6:24 AMNo Comment
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Who gave movie studios permission to bastardize my childhood favorites? All of the cartoons you watched on Saturday mornings in the 80s are now becoming revamped by studios from ‘Alvin and the Chipmunks’ to ‘Tranformers.’ For me, as a child, you couldn’t get any better than ‘G.I. Joe,’ so if the movie was nearly as awful as the second installment of Michael Bay’s ‘Transformers,’ it would be difficult to not take it personally.

Before going into the movie there were certain approaches that needed to be taken: First up, I can’t treat the movie like a real cinematic treasure. You need to go in not expecting a victory like a Detroit Lions fan last year. If the movie is approached in the fashion of just witnessing senseless fun, then you can enjoy.

After seeing the movie, my sentiments were partially correct. Ultimately the plot of the film is pretty simple: All hell breaks loose and we look for the Joe’s to save the day. That’s all good and well, but the insulting of our intelligence can get annoying.

The film begins in a 17th century setting with a prisoner named McCullen is being dragged off by French soldiers after being accused of assassinating the king. His life is spared but not without burning a mask to his face as an example made out of him.

Fast forward to “The Not-So Distant Future” and James McCullen (Chistopher Eccleston), the founder of Arms Company MARS, talks about an idea of a weapon that will release millions of robots to destroy the target. Everyone loves the idea except for General Hawk (Dennis Quaid).

My immediate reaction was that of complete boredom as we wait for decent CGI sequences (some that look horrid), explosions and not to mention suffering through Marlon Wayans.

U.S. Army soldiers led by Duke (Channing Tatum) and Ripcord (Marlon Wayans) job is to protect these MARS super weapons and before long, they are attacked by a flying craft that destroys everyone except for our two stars.

Battle ensues and then we are introduced to Cobra’s disciples along with seeing characters like Snake Eyes come to life (which was one of the highlights in the film).

There were a few cameos (that I won’t ruin) that ‘Mummy’s director Stephen Sommers threw into the mix to give the movie its own campy-feel. The overall tone of the movie seemed to project the feeling of: We’re not taking ourselves seriously, so you don’t either.

That ultimately left me half-way enjoying a film during a lack-luster summer movie season anxiously waiting for this year’s Oscar season to show up. So, even though the movie proved to be better than its 80s-throwback counterpart ‘Transformers,’ the sad news is that it was only better marginally.pabst-blue-ribbon

Beer Pairing: The beer that best matches this movie is a PBR. It’s cheap, not too fancy and exactly what this movie is. If you have to have a beer without a preference, PBR is your choice. Just like this movie: If you’ve already seen ‘Funny People’ and ‘Hurt Locker’ then last resort should be ‘G.I. Joe’ if you must see a movie.